Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Randomize
