dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
