i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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