I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
