My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
my poor anus
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
