i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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