It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i think i just lost a toe
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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