I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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