yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
