I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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