I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
