with your own penis?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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