If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I checked into jail on foursquare
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
