so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm getting married
To pizza
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
