my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
