P.S. I can't hear my feet
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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