so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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