everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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