biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
