I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
