We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
