you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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