it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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