She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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