i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
