this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize