I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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