At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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