WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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