im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
