I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
