There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
