I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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