after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
