Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
