i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize