My cat gives me a boner
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
