So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
