After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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