You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
