kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
my poor anus
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
