Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
