Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
