I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
