I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
