and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
