I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
