I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm too high and old for this...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
