I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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