My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
