I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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