The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
