Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize