**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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