So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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