Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
